The Toxic behaviors end here

What a Saturday! It’s been a while since I’ve been this productive. I took my kid to dance class, ran errands, placed three new plants in the garden, made a mango cheesecake for tomorrow’s Father’s day, and tried a new recipe for dinner.

I’m doing better healthwise. I’ve walked my dogs every morning since Monday. I’ve been going to the gym two to three times per week. I’ve been working on a few projects. It’s great feeling productive, but I still get bouts of fatigue throughout the day. Fridays are when I am the most tired. We went to dinner with friends on Friday and by 8PM, I was ready to go home and lay down.

This week’s botanical walk

I decided to start my walk from a different entrance rather than the one closest to my office. And yes, I did sit on that bench between the trees.

Trip plans

We were supposed to go to Sydney, Australia at the beginning of September. My husband’s job was sending him there and they approved a one-week break before his assignment so Lana and I can join him to vacation. A few days later, his work had to cancel the trip because certain paperwork wasn’t done within a certain deadline. I am very bummed out this trip got canceled.

Less than 120 hours to go…

I was hoping to take a break from writing about the family drama just to watch it play out. But…Hmmm… where should I begin? I’ll just write from my perspective. On Friday morning I got into the office and I looked at my phone to find a barrage of text messages from the group chat between my husband, BIL #1, BIL #2, and me. ***Warning: The conversation. Turned, Ugly ***

Husband (to BIL #2): I heard mom is taking you to Vegas later today. Maybe I should quit my job so mom can take care of me too. If you want to stay in this house moving forward you will clean this house. Otherwise, I’m putting your stuff out on the street.
[No response]
Husband: Nothing has changed. You still sit around and do nothing. I will throw your stuff out and take you to whichever skidrow you want to go.
[No response]
Husband: Here are your choices:
-You stay with mom
-You’re on the street
-You clean the house
BIL #2: I’m leaving at the end of the month.
Husband: All your stuff better be out on June 30th. Anything remaining will be thrown out. You’re a terrible adult with no sense of responsibility
BIL #2: I just put it in right now I’ll let you know the day I’m leaving
Husband: You just said the end of the month! How is that not June 30th?
BIL #2: So maybe I’ll be out by July 4th.
Husband: Refer to above. Do I need to make it clearer? You will be out of the house June 30th (“end of the month” — that’s what you said). Anything left after June 30 will be thrown out. If you want to extend that time you will work by cleaning this house. I will provide a list of things later.

After seeing the text messages from the group chat, I sent a sidebar message to my husband telling him that June 30th is on a Thursday and that I think a July 4th extension is fine. But my husband reminded me that the deal was that he helps clean the house after June 30th. Also, he chose to be perpetually unemployed — there’s no difference if he moved out on a Thursday versus a Saturday.

After the snippet above, he continued changing the dates. If he wanted a date after June 30th, he still had to help clean the house. If he did not want to clean the house, he would have leave before the end of this month. Finally, he decided his move-out day would be this coming Tuesday. I guess he wanted to avoid cleaning the house. Our house is not big at all. The perks of living in a small house are that the chores are not complicated. We’re asking him to do basic things such as picking up dog poop in the backyard or cleaning the countertops. The most complex chore would be cleaning the cabinet fronts. But he prefers to not do any of that.

I know I have been saying it over and over, but absolutely nothing has changed with BIL #2. When he was diagnosed with pneumonia and got the antibiotics on a Sunday, he went to San Diego to party hard with his friends on Friday. Last week, he was gone for a few days and returned on this past Tuesday. When he returned, I made small talk asking him how he was. He told me he went to Rosarito, a beach town in Mexico, partying with his friends. On Thursday evening, I asked him what he was doing this weekend. He told me he was going to Las Vegas tomorrow. I asked him what was the occasion. He replied, “partying and drinking. What else?” I asked him, “Are you flying there from Burbank?” And he replied that his mom was picking him up tomorrow morning. Since it is a small house, my husband heard it all.

Everything about his lifestyle choices is completely perplexing. His multi-day trip to Rosarito, Mexico was incredibly dispiriting for me. I, a working person, haven’t had a proper vacation in about two years. I just started a new job and I have to build some vacation time off hours before I can take a vacation. In the back of my mind, I kept wondering are people (I’m referring to family and his friends) really okay with him being a professional lounge lizard? It just can’t be. Then his mom taking him to Las Vegas further affirmed that BIL #2’s lifestyle choices are okay with her. His trip to Last Vegas would be his THIRD excursion in less than a month…If my husband did quit his job, his mom would be furious at him because for many years he has been the family ATM machine even when he made very little money. He held the unenviable title of Golden Child. Talk about a double standard.

So that’s what brought us to the Friday fury. All this bottled-up resentment exploded. My husband was working from home that day because he already planned on attending a Father’s Day party at Lana’s school later that day. He sends text messages to the group even though the person he was targeting was a few feet away from him hanging out in the backyard. Later that morning, my husband saw his mom at the house because she was picking up BIL #2. The way he described his interaction with her was so icy; she only acknowledge BIL #2 and not my husband. She did not say “hello” or asked my husband how he was doing or why he was home (instead of his office 20+ miles away). She did not even try mending the conflict. She just took the Lounge Lizard to Las Vegas. My husband did not want to play into her silent treatment.

I am mostly hoping Lana does not receive some sort of “punishment” or debt later in life. I don’t want some relative to come up to her and say “your dad did your Uncle #2 dirty many years ago. This is why you should help me pay for my son’s private school expenses and all will be forgiven.”

Talk about a hairpin turn of events! …Here’s to hoping I get a break from this family drama.

Tags: Weekend Coffee Share

4 thoughts on “The Toxic behaviors end here”

  1. Wow Julie.
    Words just fail me.
    I’d like to think that I would have thrown him out long ago, but I don’t know the full story of course and suspect that your husband is just a better man than me.


    1. Thank you for stopping by, Gary. My husband wanted to give them the opportunity to experience economic and social mobility while they were living here — like how he did. The intention is all good-hearted but over the last few weeks (since we’ve gotten pneumonia), he’s over it and at a breaking point. I’ve been working with marginalized communities over the last decade. The last job I worked at was a special subset; I worked with a lot high school and youth adults from low socio-economic backgrounds (some even homeless) — very similar to my husband’s and his brother’s upbringing. Over the years I’ve shared with my husband the wins I’ve experienced with students (i.e. college acceptances, med school acceptances, full ride scholarship, a full-time job, etc.) but I also have shared many frustrations with some students (missing appointments, missing deadlines, poor performance). Consequently, I had to let go of poor performers. So I have a lot of experience interacting with people similar to his brothers. My husband’s defense at the time was that the rules of family are different; my job should not bleed into my family life. The poor performers I drop are left in the backburner and he just did not want to see them in that position.


  2. Oh boy! I’m so sorry, and I’m familiar enough with family drama that I empathize with you. Sending hugs, and hoping for peace and resolution of some sort taht will be best for your family.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for stopping by Kirstin! The house is peaceful now since BIL #2 moved out but that’s not really a resolution since MIL is still very upset.


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