I think I’ll be busy for a while

Trigger warning: death, loss, grief

Also another warning: here’s a bunch of disparate thoughts.

I have completed one week of widowhood. When H was alive, he worried about me being a busy-body. But I couldn’t help it. I felt overwhelmed when the dishes in the sink were piling up and felt the need to clean up. After I gave birth, I felt like I couldn’t stop being one. But now since he’s gone, I feel I’ll be a busy-body for a long time. I am thankful my friends and family have been treating me for dinner so I don’t have to cook. I’ve been doing so many errands around him being gone that I barely have time to eat so how am I going to find time to cook. On Thursday, I fried an egg. I It was my first time cooking in a week.

Everyday this week, I always went somewhere. On Monday, I went to the coroner’s office to pick up his possessions. On Tuesday, I tried getting his death certificate — but I got the run-around. On Wednesday and Thursday, I visited a couple of funeral homes. On Friday, I went to social security. I tried to make these visits in the morning to get it out of the way. In the afternoon, I work on admin items like closing his vehicle insurance, going on the DMV website to do an affidavit of vehicle non-use, talking H’s HR on his employer separation, plan a funeral, etc. There were some afternoons where I felt like I was walking in circles barely accomplishing anything. I enjoy my days interrupted by phone calls and texts from friends and family checking up on me. I tell them what I did today and share something normal.

Speaking of normal, I’ve been keeping a journal since I lost my husband. I’ve been writing daily about anything. Right now I am documenting what “normal” things I did today no matter how mundane. “Normal” things for me would documenting that I wore makeup, wore jeans instead of sweatpants, read a bedtime story to Lana, dined out for lunch with a friend, shopping for toothpaste, etc. This morning (Saturday), I went to the gym. That was a big milestone for me. I needed to get out of the house and not do anything related to funeral planning and life planning and just get lost in my thoughts on the elliptical. I also journal my grief too and what I did that day. I also journal my frustration at the universe because he’s gone. I also journal my frustration at people who give me more work on my already high to-do list. Today I was left to do the task of getting a Vietnamese Buddhist monk for the Buddhist service for his memorial. Originally my in-laws were supposed to do it because they had a Buddhist monk in mind but in the end it didn’t work out for that monk. Long story short, I ended up taking care of it. When I called the local temple, she asked to me to meet with her today. I drove over there to meet her as soon as I finished our phone call. I cried when I met the monk at the temple. I cried because I miss my husband of course, but I also cried because I felt alone doing this funeral planning. She was really kind and guided me on the rituals. As soon as I finished my appointment with the monk, I went back home to meet up with one of H’s supervisors from the National Guard. After H’s supervisor left, I printed a photo of H at CVS for tomorrow’s Buddhist prayers.

I know I am not alone. This week, I’ve been surrounded by a lot of support and love. My parents have been here all week taking care of Lana while I try to do much stuff as I can through the evening. Daycare has been taking care of Lana. I’ve had friends and family come to my house during the week for lunch and dinner. I’ve gotten text message throughout the day from so many people checking up on me. They’ve all lifted my spirits during my lowest point.

Tag: Weekend Coffee Share