Yonder coffee maple cinnamon latte

I think I’ll be busy for a while

Trigger warning: death, loss, grief

Also another warning: here’s a bunch of disparate thoughts.

I have completed one week of widowhood. When H was alive, he worried about me being a busy-body. But I couldn’t help it. I felt overwhelmed when the dishes in the sink were piling up and felt the need to clean up. After I gave birth, I felt like I couldn’t stop being one. But now since he’s gone, I feel I’ll be a busy-body for a long time. I am thankful my friends and family have been treating me for dinner so I don’t have to cook. I’ve been doing so many errands around him being gone that I barely have time to eat so how am I going to find time to cook. On Thursday, I fried an egg. I It was my first time cooking in a week.

Everyday this week, I always went somewhere. On Monday, I went to the coroner’s office to pick up his possessions. On Tuesday, I tried getting his death certificate — but I got the run-around. On Wednesday and Thursday, I visited a couple of funeral homes. On Friday, I went to social security. I tried to make these visits in the morning to get it out of the way. In the afternoon, I work on admin items like closing his vehicle insurance, going on the DMV website to do an affidavit of vehicle non-use, talking H’s HR on his employer separation, plan a funeral, etc. There were some afternoons where I felt like I was walking in circles barely accomplishing anything. I enjoy my days interrupted by phone calls and texts from friends and family checking up on me. I tell them what I did today and share something normal.

Speaking of normal, I’ve been keeping a journal since I lost my husband. I’ve been writing daily about anything. Right now I am documenting what “normal” things I did today no matter how mundane. “Normal” things for me would documenting that I wore makeup, wore jeans instead of sweatpants, read a bedtime story to Lana, dined out for lunch with a friend, shopping for toothpaste, etc. This morning (Saturday), I went to the gym. That was a big milestone for me. I needed to get out of the house and not do anything related to funeral planning and life planning and just get lost in my thoughts on the elliptical. I also journal my grief too and what I did that day. I also journal my frustration at the universe because he’s gone. I also journal my frustration at people who give me more work on my already high to-do list. Today I was left to do the task of getting a Vietnamese Buddhist monk for the Buddhist service for his memorial. Originally my in-laws were supposed to do it because they had a Buddhist monk in mind but in the end it didn’t work out for that monk. Long story short, I ended up taking care of it. When I called the local temple, she asked to me to meet with her today. I drove over there to meet her as soon as I finished our phone call. I cried when I met the monk at the temple. I cried because I miss my husband of course, but I also cried because I felt alone doing this funeral planning. She was really kind and guided me on the rituals. As soon as I finished my appointment with the monk, I went back home to meet up with one of H’s supervisors from the National Guard. After H’s supervisor left, I printed a photo of H at CVS for tomorrow’s Buddhist prayers.

I know I am not alone. This week, I’ve been surrounded by a lot of support and love. My parents have been here all week taking care of Lana while I try to do much stuff as I can through the evening. Daycare has been taking care of Lana. I’ve had friends and family come to my house during the week for lunch and dinner. I’ve gotten text message throughout the day from so many people checking up on me. They’ve all lifted my spirits during my lowest point.

Tag: Weekend Coffee Share

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Eat, Play, Live - my personal blog Buoyancy Blog Project - a blog about resilience

12 thoughts on “I think I’ll be busy for a while”

  1. I’m sorry for the loss of your dear husband, my condolences. May you, Lana, and all who knew and loved him find comfort in the blessings of his memories. Be gentle and take as much time as you need in finding “normal” going forward. Your beautiful post is a statement of love and grief and strength.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the kind words. I am working on being kinder and gentler to myself. I let Lana stay up late too, I try not to fight it. If only the people around me can let me do that. Looking at his photos, I enjoyed our memories. I just wished he had more good years than bad years. He had a horrible childhood and upbringing for the first twenty-something years of his life but then it turned around.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Julie – I hadn’t heard about you losing your husband. I’m so sorry for you and Lana. I’m so glad that you have such good family and friends to support you through what has to be one of hardest times of your life.
    If I only knew what words would comfort you – I’d put them right here, but if words alone gave you comfort, I’d suspect something was wrong. Such a thing as this should never feel okay.
    Hang in there my friend, I know you to be a strong woman, but here I am again struggling to find the right words.
    I’ll stop – but know that me and likely many many others care and wish that we could comfort you somehow.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so glad you are surrounded by a community of people who are loving you and your daughter and helping during this time. Continuing to think of you as you do the necessary things that sadly can’t wait. I think the journal idea is a great one!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Journaling and blogging will help you during this time. I am also glad you have friends and family to help you. You sound very strong, and I think God gives a special amount of strength during this time. I’m just in tears thinking about you. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


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