Albatross accessories

Earlier this week I got my application and live scan steps to begin the foster parent process. The 20-hour adoption training begins in the fall and I’ve already been pre-registered by the agency. I have the summer to complete the application.

Lana and my dogs at my friend’s house

This past weekend, I went to San Diego to see my friend, her kids, and her nieces and nephews. It was a nice visit. I was planning to also visit P, H’s oldest brother. He’s the brother H was least close to, but he came off the most sincere since H passed away. When I shared him a photo of H’s ashes, he asked me what I was going to do with them. I told P that I was going take some of his ashes to Le Mans next month and scatter them there. P said, “Hold up! You’re telling me that his favorite racetrack is Le Mans?” I said, “=Yeah, he watches the race on TV every year and organizes watch parties.” I showed P photos of a trip to Le Mans a few years back. P said, “What?! He never told me about this trip!”

It’s sad to say that I took this as a glimmer of redemption. I enjoy talking about H but I was a little annoyed by the last part “he never told me about this trip.” Like it was on H to share… For years, we would go visit his family on all the major holidays and long weekends. Every time we visit no one really makes conversation. It’s more like “how’s your job? How much do you make? Do you still dine out?” And then they leave to do other things.

Anyways, I did not see P during my visit to San Diego. He texted me about his living situation, he has to leave his current place by the end of this month and he’s has no place lined up. I was about to offer him some money to help him out but then I told myself “No” and I’ll stick with that. I’ll end up in a cycle that my husband was part of all of his life. This was the cycle I told him to completely break from because it was burning him out, but he lived in hope holding on to the tiniest breadcrumb of progress from his family not in reality. (Later I learned this is a symptom of someone coming from a trauma bonded relationship.)

As I advanced to the next step in the foster parent onboarding process, I feel a little conflicted; I am willing to take care of a kid from another family but not my husband’s family. I’ve decided it’s up to me to end generational trauma so it doesn’t get passed down to Lana and whoever I foster.

Albatross accessories

My single/unmarried friends have told me that being single can make you feel like you have an albatross around your neck.

The hardest part of widowhood is constantly explaining your life — I feel like every decision I make is being examined up close. I can never win. If you decide to stay in there must be something wrong — you must be too sad to go out. If you end up going out and having weekend plans or after-work plans or life plans, that cannot be right either — how dare you do anything! I shouldn’t be working on life. For example, my mom asked me about my upcoming Long Beach trip on Saturday. I told her I was volunteering for a Wounded Warrior Project event and I had a babysitter arranged to watch Lana for that day. My mom asked me, “why couldn’t you let your sister watch Lana?” I asked back, “I didn’t think of that…but I am not going to fire my babysitter. Beside my babysitter lives 3 miles from my house while my sister, G, lives 25 miles away.” My parents have this babysitter’s number and she’s one of Lana’s teachers, they get along so well they’re practically sisters. I feel my mom is coming from a place of love and expressing her grief, but I feel she’s taking away the community I built though that’s not her intention. She likely doesn’t know it.

Not only did I lose my husband, I also felt like I’ve lost my sovereignty — or at least I shouldn’t be allowed to have it because now as a newly single person I must be an incapable adult. I am exhausted of being fed all these lies of what a single person (and a single parent) should be: miserable, lonely, impoverished, not allowed to have fun, incomplete, etc. I feel the only way all this noise would stop is if I find a future husband, ironically. But I’ve already decided I’m in no hurry finding one — it’s nowhere near the top of my priority list.

I recalled considering moving back to my parents after losing H, but after thinking it through, I decided not to. I am glad I stuck with that decision and came out of the other side okay. My job has treated me so well especially during this time that I have no plans on leaving them. It made no sense to commute 40 miles one way and I didn’t want to look for another closer job that wouldn’t be able to treat me as well as my current one. Also, it would have been isolating to move back to my parents’ house because I’d be further away from my much larger social support community which is scattered all around me.

France trip

Next month I am going to France. We’ve been planning this trip for months and suddenly I am a solo traveler. Sure the “natural” thing to do was cancel but I decided not to because I know it would hurt my husband A LOT to not go — especially on the Le Mans Centenaire. I did have friends (a married couple) who was planning to join us initially, but they had to cancel because of health problems that came about recently. I pray that everything is okay.

The last time I travelled solo was more than eleven years ago. I was traveling through Thailand, Cambodia, and Vietnam.

Things I’m loving lately:

Public library – I recently learned that you can borrow out playsets and print up to 10 pages per day for free.

Podcasts around single living – I’ve been listening to podcasts around single living lately. There are so many good ones normalizing the singlehood experience. I’ll compile some of my favorites in a future post on my sister blog, The Buoyancy Blog Project. Singleness tends to be assumed as a temporary status until you are partnered up with someone and then you’re “complete.”

Weekend Coffee Share