Exhausted and disillusioned

I finally made it to the end of the week and why did its arrival feel so freaking slow?! It’s been quite a week and I could not wait for it end! Well as of last Friday, my husband was off for two weeks for military training. Over that past weekend, I was working on Lana’s room — decluttering and reorganizing. Then…well let’s break this week past week down:

Monday – I was not feeling well. Maybe I was exhausted from all the housework that weekend. I called out work to take the day off. My supervisor suggested it since she was going out be out of vacation for two weeks the week after.

Tuesday – I felt better and went back to work and took my daughter to daycare. Two hours later, daycare called saying my daughter had a runny nose and will call back if it was getting worse. They called back telling me it was not improving and I had to pull her out of daycare to either get checked by a doctor and return with a doctor’s note or pull her out of daycare for 10 days. I chose the former and got her seen by a doctor. They said it was either a cold or croup but they did not rule out COVID. They gave her a COVID test and we would find out the results the following day. After the doctor’s visit, I worked from home the rest of the day — which I am incredibly grateful for considering I barely have any PTO.

Wednesday – The following day, I took another day off waiting for the COVID results. Another thing I am grateful about my current job is that I get two weeks of COVID leave. Since we are waiting for COVID results, I could mark it as “COVID leave” so I don’t use any more of my PTO. I got the results and it was NEGATIVE. THANK GOODNESS! But she still had a runny nose and was working through some phelgm. Though she was technically clear to return per the doctor’s note, I did not want her to return to daycare the following day to get another calling saying her nose is still runny. My parents suggested I stay with them for the rest of the week — they can watch Lana and I can go to work. The downside of this was my commute doubled — instead of one-hour commute roundtrip, it was two hours.

Thursday – Staying with my parents is pretty nice despite the two hour round trip. It was weird coming home because by that time everyone at home already finished dinner. It was either on to the shower, brushing their teeth, or watching TV to wind down. For me, I was HUNGRY and had whatever was on the table. I went to bed unusually early to wake up early to do this all over again. It was so un

Friday – There was a point I entertained the idea of buying a home in my hometown. I’m so glad I did not. That would mean 2 hours commutes for both me and my husband. But also when I go through my Facebook feed, I know don’t have to do deal with the hometown drama. It’s so darn juicy — but that’s because I’m not part of it. Good news is that she’s much better. But lately…I’ve been feeling pretty tired like I’m catching her cold. This week just could not finish fast enough.

Saturday morning we went back home. She’s doing much better. I texted my husband all throughout this week even though he won’t see these messages in another few days. Though he’s been gone for an entire week for military drill before, I was able to handle Lana by myself. But I felt this past week, we were thrown almost every unfavorable situation. My husband told me if life was getting too hard, he could quit the military. So I texted him that it’s time to let the military go.

It’s not the first time he quit. He quit back in 2013 because he wanted to focus on completing his Bachelor’s degree and have a defined career. He was in the military for six years, he was never promoted and he did not see a trajectory if he continued on. Fast forward to 2019, he re-enlisted. After he got his Bachelor’s degree in 2016, he entertained the idea of re-enlisting in the Officer Candidate School for a while. He thought from that position he could make a difference in the military, plus it would help him professionally in his civilian job. He thought of completing OCS as equivalent to completing a Master’s Degree. Since he’s been into year 2 year of OCS, he told me that he does not see a defined trajectory in the military like he hoped for. Well the thing is, if he quit the military, he’s got professional job for a prestigious employer as his full-time job doing meaningful work — unlike a lot of the people in his present and previous cohort. For him, it’s not a major loss.

The thing I’m not looking forward to is dealing with the aftermath of quitting the military. Of course I played a role in him quitting the first time. I feel just like any job, relationship, place, etc. — if it’s not providing you meaning and you’re not growing, you should let it go and move on. But quitting the military was a little different — you can’t just quit and move on with your life. The aftermath I dealt with back then was dealing with his military buddies on why I made him quit and how it will pay back in big ways if he continued to stay. The military wives and girlfriends would remind me that “it should not be about me. I should support the bigger cause.” All these comments were was coming off as MLM-ish. Anyways, the thing was it was never about me. My husband has stated time and time again not being happy where he’s at in the military and it’s happening again.

Reflecting on the first time he quit and the comments and questions I received, I learned what a powerful force culture can be. I know that’s a weird takeaway. But when I lived in San Diego — where I met my husband –the military culture is embedded in the identity of the city. One does not question culture, one does not dare challenge it. I remembered when my husband first started OCS, I was surprised he had to buy his own uniform and other items for his upcoming drills. I asked him back, “how is it that we spend so much money on defense — more than any country in the world — and it does not go towards your uniform and equipment?” There are people in his cohort with jobs that make minimum wage and they’re being asked to pay for their own stuff? He did not know how to answer my question. Culture is so powerful, you accept the conditions as they are and drudge on with your head low and looking at the ground. Culture is so powerful to suck a person back in because you believe it gives you meaning and direction.

Anyways thank you so much for sticking with my longer-than-usual weekend coffee share. I needed to vent after a long week.

#weekendcoffeeshare