Good news! Lana got promoted again in daycare/pre-school. She’s moving up to another class with older kids because she met her milestones which is so exciting. She got promoted from toddler group back in March and she’s getting promoted again.
I get that there are some parents who say “Enjoy them while they’re small! Don’t be in such a hurry to meet these milestones!” I’m not rushing my kid. I am just good at fostering her interests to help her thrive — isn’t that part of parenthood too? Parenting is more than squealing at small children about how cute they are. Doing parenting solo is a lot of work and I am happy to see it paid off.
I just want a free day off
Since the 4th of July was on a Tuesday, I wanted to make it an easy day. I wanted to treat it like a free day off because I worked on Monday and I returned to work on Wednesday. No barbeque parties — we already did that on Saturday. The initial plan was to wake up late, go take the dogs to the dog park, run errands, buy a houseplant, work on a few projects at home, and learn more about personal finance. These were things we could do within a 5-mile radius from my house. We have plenty of fireworks happening around my house so I don’t feel the need to travel to an event, but all my kids (yup, my dogs count too) hate fireworks so I have to cover all the windows. Also, we had a pretty event-packed weekend and I just wanted to rest. The thing that frustrated me was that morning. My mom texted me and insisted that I come over to their place. I wasn’t planning on traveling that far because I already did so much driving this past weekend. I even told her my “simple” plans but she still pushed me to come over.
The thing that annoys me about widowhood is how I’m being treated — like I shouldn’t be living my life. How dare I be content with my sudden singlehood. How dare I be content with “doing nothing” for the holiday. Getting to where I am wasn’t an overnight process. It took a lot of work and I feel she and other people are trying to take it away from me.
Anyways, in the end, I did go over to my parents’ house but I took my time. I still took my kids to the park and did brunch at a cafe near by (my kid needed to go to the bathroom and we just ended up eating there). Then I got a text message from my mom asking me, “When are you coming over?!”
What the heck? I looked at the time and I saw it was only 1 pm. My therapist reminded me for the past several weeks that I need to set some boundaries with the people in my life. Here I was ready to rush out of the cafe to drive 25+ miles to see my parents. I took a deep breath, took our time at brunch to enjoy our meal, and went to Home Depot to buy a house plant and plant food. (Side note: I have some house plants that are at least two years old and I’ve never given them plant food.) After Home Depot, we then went to my parents’ house. I know I could have bought these things online and have them shipped to my house, but for the last several years, I’ve been working to cut out online shopping and shop for things in-person because I end up with things I don’t need.
I did set more boundaries with my parents that day. I told them upfront I did not appreciate the last-minute plans. They should have respected my declination, not press me until I change my mind. I already get enough of that from my in-laws. I told them I need at least two weeks advanced notice (how businesslike). If they want to hang out with Lana, they can just come over to my house. Or if they really want to, rent out their house and retire already and move into my place. We can get an ADU built in my yard if they don’t want to stay in the spare room. H and I have been talking them into this idea for years.
Speaking of in-laws and advanced notice…
I promised myself that I would visit my in-laws once per month since H died. I also anticipated they may not reciprocate my efforts but in some twisted way, I still believe it’s important to have them in our lives because Lana is part of them.
I informed MIL a while ago that I was available and planned to visit them on July 9th. I get no response for a while. Then as we get closer to July 9th — so this past Wednesday — I get a text message from my SIL that she won’t be home because she will be with her boyfriend for her boyfriend’s nephew’s birthday and she also is going to her boyfriend’s cousin’s engagement party. * Cue the eye roll * She didn’t go to any of her brother’s (my husband’s) prayers because of whatever reason (i.e. cleaning up the storage unit, working at a second job). Clearly, her second job isn’t stopping her from going to her boyfriend’s nephew’s birthday. I’m sure if I bribed my siblings-in-law with money to go to the prayers, I guarantee they would drop everything to go. But I would never do that.
On Friday morning, when I was driving to work, I get a call from MIL. She tells me she’s not available because she’s going to be out of town. She suggested that I go the weekend after because her son (BIL #1) and the nephews will be visiting. Using my boundaries, I told her “no” because I already had other plans. Which is very true. I am hanging out with my cousins that weekend. She said, “really? You are not available? But it would be nice to have all the cousins there together.” In a tiny moment of weakness, I said, “Maybe I am available late Sunday afternoon, but I can’t guarantee that. I’ll just visit next month.”
I have to say, those plans — birthdays, engagement parties, and trips — were certainly NOT planned out of the blue. Why did they wait so long to respond?
I feel accomplished that I am planning things in advance. Looking back at my life four months ago, I felt like I could only take things minute-by-minute and that my accomplishment for the day was getting out of bed to brush my teeth. I do refer to those days a lot, but I want to look back at how far I’ve come. Four months doesn’t seem so long and people may “compliment” how quick my turnaround was…but again, getting to where I am took a lot of work with more work to go.
What do solos do in their free time?
Absolutely anything.
My Saturday has freed up so I can finally get around to working on some small home tasks like fixing my patio furniture and cleaning the dryer duct. I can finally get around to shopping for some “new” work clothes at some vintage store. I can plan for meals around this month’s cookbook for cookbook club. If we have some time, maybe I take Lana to the nearby children’s museum — we have annual passes. Plus Lana can play around with her camera. I am not saying we’ll be doing all these things listed on a Saturday or even this weekend. But the point is there are plenty of things a solo can do.
On Sunday, we’re going to this Bubble World Experience. I heard about it in LA Parent Magazine. It looks fun.
Eat, Play, Live 
Clever baby girl!
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Even though I still have my wife, so am not solo, neither of us really appreciate last minute plans pushed on us. We do try extra hard to accommodate our kids and, to a lesser degree, other family members. Our situation is way different than yours and I rarely feel like someone is abusing us or presuming that their plans somehow are more important than ours even if ours are little more than sitting home, reading or tinkering about the yard.
Hang in there Julie.
I still think you are one of the rare adults in your extended family.
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Aww thank you for the encouraging words. I think the assumption about solos is that they’re flexible with their plans, they can change at the drop of the hat because they “don’t have much going on.” Which is a silly assumption. I work a full time job, I think I deserve just as much rest and rejuvenation as the next person.
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It does seem like people encroach on your time much more when you are single. You don’t have anyone to blame for declining. I had a friend call me after I had gone to bed one Friday and insist that I go dancing with her. I ended up getting up, dressed and she picked me up around 9:30 or so. Another time a teacher colleague – male – just turned up at my doorstep. I forget what excuse he used, but I was used to spending evenings at home with my husband. When he was gone, I guess people felt I shouldn’t do that anymore. I think one of the reasons I married again so soon after I was widowed was that I had protection against way more people trying to run my life than I could deal with. Even though all this happened almost 30 years ago, the memories of the frustration is still pretty clear! So I applaud you for setting boundaries.
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My single, never married friends enjoy their Friday nights at home. Nothing wrong with that. Right now I am in San Diego with my friends from the Bay Area. We were exploring and around 8 pm, my friend wanted to go back to the hotel to rest and relax. I remembered the days when we would all be out and about the whole night. It’s certainly not sustainable.
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Amen to that. One reason I married so quickly after my first husband’s death was just that. It’s hard to say no, and impossible to keep up the pace and lonely not to have someone to lounge around and chat with at home.
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It sounds like you are doing what you feel is good and right for you. THere are no “time limits” for anything, each person is different. I can understand you putting boundaries in place. I can relate to some degree..it’s not easy.
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